explanation behind everything

i feel i havent explain the reason behind everything just now.
i want to say what's really in my mind
but the problem is...
i cant say what i want without choking.

when i first meet new people, i put on a brave face and an atittude so people wont trample on me.
but when i start to know the person well, get close with the person, i tend to soften up and all my mask, my pretence fade away.

this was what i really wanted to say:
chip, last year we made a mess. it totally ruined what we had before. but we make up for what has happened. what i want to say is im sorry for all the trouble i caused you. i know what you've been through last year for i caused those problems. i know you had to go to a few counseling sessions because of what i've done. but i want you to know that hurting you hurts me too. i had to pretend i was ok every single day so everything wont go from bad to worse.i had to put on a smile whenever im surrounded by people. i had to say im ok,im fine, no problem,im happy when people ask how i feel. i had to joke around people so they wont notice anything.i had to suck everything in just to make everyone ok. to make you ok. when you gve me that letter, i didnt want to read it. i know it will make me feel guilty. but i know by not reading it, it'll make things more complicated. everything you wrote hit me in the head so hard.i realized i was so selfish. i pulled you with an imaginary string and let you go in an instant. it was and still is my fault. yes, i have lived my life pretending to make everyone feel better. and now, when everything is ok, i still feel the burden on my shoulder. apparently, when i lost you, i lost another friend. najwa. she was the one who comforted you when i left you to deal with the mess. i felt betrayed. i still do. the first time, najwa didnt like you at all. but i persuaded her telling her what a nice guy u are. it wasnt easy, but i did it. then,you guys started to get close. i was happy that i made it. i made you two friends. but...then evrything turned 180 degree. you two were friends. where does that leave me? yes, stranded on an island. non of you talked to me at all. all my effort of making you two friends seems to fade. there was no more me in the picture. i wasn't mad, or angry. but i was hurt. i still am.
i kept this to myself for a long time. i hope this explains everything.

hani, you know how much i adore you. you're like my personal teddy bear where i can tell you anything at all without you telling anyone else. but i know, i never tell you everything. i just tell you bits and pieces of it and that's it. its not that i dont trust you. i dont trust myself. i dont trust my feelings. i know once i start, i'll keep on flooding. i know all the trouble you've been going through, i guess that's why i never really want to say or tell you much. i dont want to burden you with my problems. you have far too much to handle. you were always there for me. esp through my nervous breakdown. remember last year? i know i hurt you , but you still bear with me. you comforted me through everything. please dont leave me...bear with me, with us, just for a few months. i need you here.

sammy, i know you weren't there just now. but this is the urgent thing i wanted to tell you. like i said earlier, i know this is might or will hurt your feelings. i feel like people have been taking advantage of me.of my effort. this may seem stupid but this is how i feel. i feel used. during my time of public speaking, i felt insecure. so i needed supporters. you came with me to public speaking. but even with you there, i still felt insecure. i felt i was left there alone to deal with my nerve while you guys sit there calmly. i feel the reason you came is to get out of class, not support me coz i feel i didnt get any support from you. same goes after the the public speaking. after they annouced the winner and all that. i felt insecure. alone. what saddens me is that..you didnt even congratulate me. i know its childish and so on but i kept quite at that time. i didnt want to cause a scene. again, i know this is stupid, but its true. this is how i felt.

hafiz, sometimes i feel you depend on me too much. i know we both have problems to make ends meet. i've known you the longest. how long has it been? 5 years? during those 5 years, we have been through ups and downs. we say things that hurt each others feelings. we do things that hurt each others feelings. we did a lot of things yg menyakitkan hati. i still remember last year, you sat for ur spm examination. you were so busy with your study till you hardly have any time to actually talk to me or sms me. now its my turn to sit for my spm examination. we've gotten closer this year and this actually made it harder for me to express my feelings. i feel like you've been depending on me too much. i sacrificed my time to sit and talk to you on the phone. listening to how your day went, and how its going with you and syafiqah and so on. sometimes i feel you dont understand my position. you've been through this before last year, you know how busy it would be for me this year. but i feel you still dont understand. obviously i would be under a lot of stress from not only academic pursuit, but as well as my other personal problems. sometimes i feel it would be nicer if you actually ask me how my day went.how i feel and so on. you were the one i pour half of my heart out at coz i know by telling you all my problems, you'll forget what i told you. ur such a goldfish la...
but still, sometimes it hurts when you say things aswell. i know i sometimes forget things. but that is no reason at all to perli me. i have reasons why i forget.
for example; last night you said you wanted to talk about something but i had sejarah notes to finish. so i said i'll text you when i finish. and yea, i fell asleep on my sejarah note book. and just now i got a msg from you saying 'ad org kte nk msg.xmsg pon'. seriously hafiz, i have feelings too. please dont treat me this way anymore. a bit of respect would be nice.

im sorry it took me a long time to voice it all out.
i grew up this way but i dont blame my parents for all this.
my childhood is not something im proud of.
i went through alot yet i still kept quite about it.
but like hani said, i need to learn to open up.
this is just a small step.